The DEIpocalypse: Sweet Baby Inc. Sets Sights on Capcom

Hold onto your controllers, folks, because the rumor mill is churning, and it smells suspiciously like corporate-mandated wokeness. Word on the street (or rather, the Twitterverse, courtesy of the illustrious @Catturd) is that Sweet Baby Inc., the DEI juggernaut, is preparing to unleash its “expertise” on none other than Capcom Gaming. Brace yourselves for an onslaught of inclusivity, whether you like it or not.

Sweet Baby Inc.’s president, Kim Belair, has reportedly been seen lurking around Capcom’s Japanese headquarters, muttering about “dismantling the kyriarchy” and “decolonizing game design.” “We’re not just changing characters,” Belair allegedly declared, “we’re reimagining the very fabric of reality within these games. Prepare for a paradigm shift!” One Capcom executive, speaking anonymously, reportedly whispered, “We’re terrified. They keep using words we don’t understand.”

Character Reassignment Surgery: Capcom’s Roster Gets Woke

Forget subtle tweaks. We’re talking full-blown identity overhauls. Ryu, the stoic karate master, might become Ria, a transgender woman of color who fights for social justice between Capoeira kicks. Her Hadoken will now be powered by the spirits of her ancestors, and her backstory will involve overcoming systemic oppression in her marginalized community. Chun-Li, the iconic Interpol agent, could become a non-binary, neurodivergent hacker who exposes corporate corruption while rocking a pronoun pin and a rainbow-colored taser. Albert Wesker, the sinister mastermind, might transform into a plus-sized, body-positive advocate for disability rights, still scheming but with a newfound appreciation for intersectionality and a penchant for organic kale smoothies.

And don’t even get me started on Mega Man. Prepare for Mega-Person, a transgender person of color who uses their pronouns and fights against the evils of the gender binary. Their Mega Buster will now shoot rainbows and glitter, and their special weapon will be the “Gender Neutralizer,” which instantly transforms enemies into allies by assigning them random pronouns.

Story Time with Sweet Baby Inc.: Narrative Subversion 101

The rumored changes aren’t limited to character redesigns. Capcom’s storylines are about to get a serious injection of “social relevance.” Resident Evil? Forget zombies; the real virus is capitalism, and the Umbrella Corporation is a stand-in for the patriarchy. Street Fighter? The World Warrior tournament is now a thinly veiled allegory for the struggle against white supremacy. Monster Hunter? Get ready for a poignant commentary on colonialism and environmental exploitation, where hunting majestic creatures is replaced with hugging them and apologizing for humanity’s sins.

Gameplay Reimagined: From High Scores to Social Justice Points

Even the gameplay mechanics aren’t safe. Players might have to complete mandatory diversity training mini-games before unlocking certain characters. Instead of finishing moves, expect “teachable moments” where characters lecture their opponents on microaggressions and the importance of checking their privilege. High scores are out; players will now be ranked on their “Social Justice Score,” reflecting their commitment to in-game activism and allyship.

And, of course, no woke makeover would be complete without the infamous “Inclusion Slider.” This magical slider will supposedly allow players to adjust the level of wokeness they can tolerate. But don’t be fooled; even the lowest setting will likely involve a healthy dose of DEI propaganda. You’ll be able to choose between “Mildly Indoctrinated” and “Full-Blown Social Justice Warrior,” but there’s no escaping the agenda entirely.

So, there you have it. Capcom is apparently about to become the latest victim of Sweet Baby Inc.’s social engineering experiment. Whether this will enhance the games or turn them into preachy, virtue-signaling messes remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: it’s going to be a wild ride. Stay tuned, and try not to cringe too hard.

Stop sending me death threats. While this is not far fetched, it is at this present time, satirical!