Retro Replay Review

Gameplay

The “Don’t Buy This” collection bundles five remarkably bare-bones titles, each offering a distinct but undercooked premise. In Race Ace, you’re thrust onto a single convoluted track, choosing the game speed and laps before steering your car in rigid 90-degree increments via the Z and M keys. Braking is equally simplistic, and aborting mid-race feels more like a concession than a feature. The result is a racing experience that never feels fluid or responsive.

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Fido 1 and Fido 2: Puppy Power share much of the same design DNA: you guide a cartoon dog around a maze, squashing moles by wagging your tail and dodging low-flying birds. Fido 1 restricts movement to left and right, while its sequel adds vertical motion—but dangerous avians proliferate to compensate, turning what should be a modest upgrade into little more than a harder version of the original. With only three action keys and minimal enemy variety, these two entries quickly become repetitive chores.

Weasel Willy places you in an ever-changing field strewn with trees and bounded by walls. Once you pick a direction, Willy trudges on until you intervene, a control scheme reminiscent of old Centipede spin-offs but far less refined. Randomized layouts boost replayability in theory, but the lack of any meaningful power-ups or varied objectives means each round blurs into the last. Finally, the Fruit Machine mini-game offers a basic slot simulation with hold, nudge, and gamble features. It’s functional, but the static reel graphics and slow spin animations rob it of the thrill you’d expect from a casino title.

Graphics

Visually, the “Don’t Buy This” lineup is unapologetically low-res. Sprites in Race Ace are blocky and flat, the single overhead track rendered with minimal shading or detail—so minimal that it’s hard to tell one section of the circuit from another. Every environment feels like a memory of a memory, as if the original artwork was photocopied until every nuance was lost.

The two Fido games lean into bright primary colors but lack any real animation frames. Fido’s walk cycle is choppy, the wagging tail scarcely more than a jittery line. Birds swoop in with only two frames of motion, and the moles pop in and out of the ground so abruptly that you might mistake them for graphical glitches. In Weasel Willy, the trees are little more than pixelated green blobs, and the field background never changes, making it impossible to feel a sense of progression or new challenges.

Fruit Machine fares slightly better thanks to its static casino cabinet design, but the reels themselves are disappointingly flat and lack the colorful icons that make slot titles engaging. The top-down UI is straightforward but bland, and there are no enticing visual effects for wins or losses. Overall, this collection’s graphics feel like an afterthought, providing clear reminders of how far gaming visuals have come since the era these titles seem to harken from.

Story

Storytelling in “Don’t Buy This” is effectively non-existent. Race Ace offers no narrative context—there’s no rival backstory, no reason to win beyond the scoreboard. You’re simply a car on a looped track, racing against invisible foes that lack any personality or AI depth.

The Fido duo gives you a cast of moles and birds, but no real plot. You know only that Fido must “stop the moles” in his garden. There’s no cutscene, no dialogue, and no progression beyond the ever-tougher waves of creatures. Without any character development or world-building, those hoping for canine charm or a deeper motivation will come away disappointed.

Weasel Willy and Fruit Machine follow suit with minimal backstory. Willy’s aimless traversal through fields feels like a concept tossed onto a blank screen, and the slot machine has no framing narrative—just coins, reels, and the hope of a lucky spin. If you’re seeking a compelling storyline or memorable characters, you won’t find it in this collection.

Overall Experience

“Don’t Buy This” wears its self-deprecating title well. Its upside-down cover art and tongue-in-cheek marketing feel like an apology before you even load the first game. Yet that backswing of humor only highlights how thin the content truly is. Each title delivers a handful of minutes of “so-bad-it’s-almost-funny” gameplay before monotony sets in.

All five games support keyboard controls, and a few allow for joystick play if you’re nostalgic enough to hook one up. But with such rudimentary mechanics and little variation, you’ll probably be switching off the console after a few rounds. Even at a bargain price, the novelty quickly wears off, and you’re left with little reason to return—unless you’re a collector of quirky oddities or enjoy dissecting gaming misfires.

In the end, this collection serves more as a curiosity than a worthwhile purchase. It’s a snapshot of half-baked ideas and limited execution, making for a brief, occasionally amusing detour but not a lasting entertainment investment. If you’re intrigued by gaming history’s lesser moments, “Don’t Buy This” might scratch that itch. For anyone seeking quality, depth, or genuine fun, it’s best left on the digital shelf.

Retro Replay Score

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