Retro Replay Review

Gameplay

Totally Smashed leans heavily on quick, single-keypress combat that keeps the pace blistering fast. Each encounter presents you with a brief ASCII-based menu where you choose your move—whether it’s swinging the “RakeRipper” or unleashing a devastating “Spoon of Sorrow.” The mechanics are deceptively simple: press a letter, watch the damage roll in, tally experience points, repeat. This loop is perfect for players who want bite-sized action that still feels rewarding when your hit actually connects.

Beyond the basic hack-and-slash, the game peppers in bizarre tactics like [T]ake a Dump or [Z]lap your Monkey, both represented by high-ASCII characters that substitute for letters. These offbeat options might not have conventional tactical value, but they inject a welcome stream of humor and unpredictability into otherwise repetitive skirmishes. If you’re the kind of player who enjoys experimenting with every oddball command, Totally Smashed encourages you to try them all—even if you’re just doing it for the chuckle.

Level progression is straightforward but satisfying: each defeated opponent earns you experience points, loot, and occasionally an upgrade in your absurd weaponry collection. There’s no elaborate skill tree or branching ability system, so you won’t find yourself losing hours in menus. Instead, progression feels immediate—you beat a handful of foes and suddenly you’ve unlocked the “Punch-O’-Doom” or “Brass Knuckles of Bedlam.” That immediacy keeps the momentum going and caters well to fans of classic BBS-style door games.

What really sets Totally Smashed apart is how it embraces brevity. Each play session can be as short or long as you like, making it a great pick-up-and-play RPG for commutes or coffee breaks. While the fighting loop is repetitive by design, the quirky weapon names and ASCII-driven combat keep it fresh enough to hold your attention through several townsfolk encounters in one sitting.

Graphics

Don’t expect high-definition textures or 3D vistas in Totally Smashed—this is a BBS door game through and through, offering purely ASCII art and text. The entire town, its deranged inhabitants, and your slew of makeshift weapons are rendered in blocky characters. This retro aesthetic won’t appeal to everyone, but it has a nostalgic charm for those who recall logging into bulletin board systems in the 1980s and ’90s.

High-ASCII characters are cleverly repurposed to form crude portraits of enemies and visual representations of your gear. A sproingy symbol might indicate a skull, while a string of wavy brackets conjures the silhouette of your “Z-bedazzler.” Though rudimentary, these images capture a playful spirit and underscore the game’s low-budget, DIY origins. It’s minimalism as a style choice rather than a limitation.

Menus, status bars, and combat feedback all appear in stark monochrome, with occasional bursts of color where supported by your terminal. Weapon names flash in bright text, and damage figures race across the screen in quick succession. The interface is efficient: no icons or tooltips, just raw text and symbols. For purists who prefer substance over flashy visuals, Totally Smashed holds a certain allure.

Ultimately, the graphics serve the gameplay and story well. They don’t aim to impress with realism but to channel a bygone era of gaming. If your tolerance for pixel-free interfaces is high, you’ll appreciate the way the ASCII art coalesces into a uniquely offbeat visual experience.

Story

The narrative framework in Totally Smashed is delightfully scant: you—the protagonist—arrive in a near-future town besieged by a mysterious force that has possessed its residents. The townsfolk, once law-abiding citizens, are now wielding ludicrously named hand weapons and wreaking havoc in the streets. There’s no lengthy exposition or dramatic cutscenes; instead, you glean the backstory through brief text snippets between battles.

Character motivation is equally spare. You don’t have a tragic past or a world-saving prophecy; your goal is simply to punch, kick, and weaponize your way through waves of crazed locals until the town’s malaise is lifted. This stripped-down premise allows the developers to focus on punchy combat and comedic interactions rather than elaborate plot twists. If you crave deep lore or emotional arcs, you might find the story underwhelming—but if you prefer your RPG narratives served straight and to the point, Totally Smashed delivers.

Flavor text sprinkled throughout the menus hints at a darker undercurrent—glyph-scrambled diary entries and off-kilter newspaper headlines suggest there’s more to the mystery than weaponized bar brawls. Yet, these breadcrumbs never coalesce into a grand revelation. They do, however, reinforce the game’s satirical tone and eccentric vibe. You’ll finish the experience chuckling at the absurdity rather than pondering existential themes.

In essence, the story is a quirky backdrop for the real star: the combat and humor. While not a narrative masterpiece, it creates enough context to justify your rampage and keeps you invested long enough to reach the final showdown.

Overall Experience

Totally Smashed plays like a time capsule of the BBS door era, complete with ASCII graphics, single-keypress combat, and a delightfully irreverent tone. It’s not aiming for AAA production values or sweeping narratives—its strength lies in delivering short bursts of frenetic action wrapped in wacky weapon names and bizarre ASCII icons. For gamers seeking a nostalgia trip or a quick, comedic RPG fix, it’s an unexpectedly solid choice.

Repetition is baked into the design, so sessions can become predictable if you’re not drawn to developing the perfect weapon combo or exploring every weird menu option. However, the novelty of options like [Z]lap your Monkey and the thrill of leveling up your “Sausage Slinger” keep the loop engaging. The game respects your time, offering couch-friendly sessions that can last minutes or hours, depending on your mood.

From a technical standpoint, installation and setup are straightforward if you have a BBS-compatible environment or the right terminal emulator. There’s virtually no learning curve beyond mastering the keybindings. Customer support is minimal, but the game’s simplicity means you likely won’t need it. The community around BBS door games still has echoes of fellowship and shared nostalgia, adding a bonus layer to the experience.

All told, Totally Smashed is a niche gem for retro RPG enthusiasts and players with a penchant for absurd humor. While it won’t replace modern RPGs in depth or spectacle, it offers a uniquely charming diversion. If you’re looking to punch marauding townsfolk in the face with a high-ASCII hammer, this game is ready and waiting—just bring your sense of humor and a taste for quick-fire action.

Retro Replay Score

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