3 Video Game Consulting Companies Hold Developers Hostage for 7 hours, Torture Them for Diversity

Hostage Crisis in the World of Video Game Development

In a shocking turn of events, several video game consulting companies have been accused of holding developers hostage and torturing them if they do not agree to add more diversity into their games. Sweet Baby Inc., Hit Detections, and Anita Sarkeesian have been working together in secret to change gaming for the entire world.

The accusations came to light after a group of developers escaped from one of the consulting companies’ headquarters. Several developers, who wished to remain anonymous but were leaked to be lead programmers for Rockstar Games, Ubisoft, EA, Activision Blizzard, said that they were subjected to horrific torture, including being waterboarded, sleep-deprived and so much more.

Demands for Inclusivity Under Duress

The developers said that the consulting companies were demanding that they add more women, minorities, and LGBTQ+ characters to their games. The developers said that they were told that if they did not comply, they would be tortured even further.

“They told us that we had to make our games more inclusive,” said one of the developers. “They said that if we didn’t, they would make us regret it.”

Developers have reportedly been shackled to ergonomic chairs and subjected to relentless PowerPoint presentations on diversity until they pledge to include a rainbow coalition of characters in their upcoming releases.

The ordeal, described by escapees as “The Great Inclusivity Inquisition,” involved consultants brandishing copies of inclusive style guides and threatening to delete all white male characters from databases unless demands were met. Developers recounted harrowing experiences of being forced to listen to never-ending lectures on character representation while their captors menacingly waved around action figures from underrepresented groups.

 

Leading Consultant Anita Sarkeesian’s Role Described

“Anita Sarkeesian made us watch every cutscene where the straight white male saves the day, but with a twist—every hero had been digitally replaced by an androgynous blob,” one developer confessed, still visibly shaken from the ordeal. “It was either accept their diversity mandates or be subjected to more ‘Blob Hero’s Journey’ storyboards.”

The allegations suggest that the consultants employed tactics like locking developers in rooms plastered with concept art of potential diverse characters and making them match the characters with their correct cultural background. “It was like the most twisted game of Guess Who? you could imagine,” another developer lamented, “except every time you guessed wrong, they turned up the volume on the ‘Why Representation Matters’ podcast.”

The developers were also reportedly forced into “Diversity Drills,” where they had to recast classic video game characters with more diverse options within a ticking time limit. Failure to do so resulted in being trapped in a VR simulation where every NPC berated them for lack of representation in games.

The consulting firms under scrutiny have issued a generic statement, which reads suspiciously like a side quest dialogue: “We are wholly committed to the noble quest of diversity. We categorically deny the use of force—physical, psychological, or virtual—to achieve these ends. Our methods are strictly in accordance with the Ancient Scrolls of Best Practices.”

The developers said that they were eventually able to escape from the consulting company’s headquarters with the help of a sympathetic employee. They said that they are now speaking out about their experience in order to warn other developers about the dangers of working with these companies.

Official Statements and Denials

The accusations against the consulting companies have sent shockwaves through the video game industry. Many developers have expressed outrage at the companies’ tactics.

The consulting companies have denied the accusations. They say that they are committed to helping developers create more inclusive games, and that they would never resort to violence or intimidation.

While the industry reflects on the importance of representation, it’s clear that this tale serves as a comic reminder: the path to inclusivity should never be lined with barbed wire and forced lectures, but rather with open conversations and a genuine desire to reflect the world’s rich tapestry.

As the pixel dust settles, one can only hope that this entire saga is just a bizarre glitch in the game of life that desperately needs patching. The video game industry should be a place where everyone is welcome. No one should be forced to add diversity to their games against their will. The consulting companies’ tactics are unacceptable and they should be condemned by the entire industry.

Please stop sending me death threats. This article is one of satire. The undertones of hostage taking however, ring incredibly true none the less.