Retro Replay Review

Gameplay

Tom Mason’s Dinosaurs for Hire delivers a fast-paced run-and-gun platforming experience where you step into the claws of three very different dinosaur mercenaries. You choose between Archie the T. rex leader, Lorenzo the triceratops gourmet, or Reese the unpredictable one-eyed stegosaurus, each offering distinct playstyles. Archie boasts raw power and heavy attacks, Lorenzo strikes a balance between speed and firepower, and Reese brings surprising agility along with unpredictable melee combos.

The core of the gameplay revolves around holding the fire button and moving through intricately designed levels swarming with bizarre robotic enemies and monstrous invaders. You can shoot in all eight directions—vital when foes swarm from above, below, and all sides—or switch to claw and tail melee strikes when ammunition runs low or enemies close the gap. Each stage culminates in a unique boss fight that tests your mastery of your chosen dinosaur’s strengths and weaknesses.

Level design is varied, spanning urban streets under siege to alien-infested laboratories. Environmental hazards like collapsing platforms, moving conveyors, and electrified floors keep you on your toes, demanding quick reflexes and strategic use of cover. Power-ups scattered through stages—extra ammo, temporary shields, and health boosts—reward exploration and careful navigation.

For those seeking cooperative mayhem, the two-player mode is a highlight. Team up locally with a friend—each of you selecting a different dinosaur—and combine your abilities to clear waves of enemies. The synergy of pairing a heavy hitter with a swift attacker opens up creative strategies, making repeated playthroughs feel fresh.

Graphics

Despite its vintage roots, Dinosaurs for Hire sports bold, cartoon-inspired graphics that still pop on modern displays. Character sprites are large and detailed: Archie’s powerful roar animation and Reese’s flailing tail strike a nice balance between nostalgic pixel art and personality. The three dinosaurs each boast a distinct palette and silhouette, making them instantly recognizable even in the heat of battle.

Backgrounds are a colorful mishmash of cityscapes, swampy hideouts, and high-tech laboratories. While some textures can feel a bit repetitive after prolonged play, creative parallax scrolling and occasional interactive elements—like exploding barrels or destructible crates—add depth to each scene. Enemy designs range from basic drones to oversized robotic bosses, each carefully animated with unique attack patterns.

Special effects—such as muzzle flashes, explosive debris, and boss-stage particle bursts—are punchy without overwhelming the screen. Frame rates remain stable even when dozens of projectiles erupt simultaneously, a testament to tight optimization from the original developers. Sound design complements the visuals with chunky weapon noises, roaring dino vocals, and an upbeat, arcade-style soundtrack.

While you won’t find cutting-edge 3D rendering here, the art direction embraces its 16-bit era charm. If you appreciate retro aesthetics with a tongue-in-cheek presentation, Dinosaurs for Hire holds up surprisingly well and manages to carve out its own identity among nostalgia-driven titles.

Story

The narrative in Dinosaurs for Hire is lean by design: there’s no elaborate lore weaving through the levels. Instead, you’re thrust into a world under siege by mysterious monsters and robotic invaders, with Earth’s last hope resting squarely on the broad shoulders of three prehistoric mercenaries. This stripped-down approach keeps the action front and center.

Character introductions occur in brief comic-book style panels between stages, offering quips rather than exposition. Archie’s leadership banter, Lorenzo’s refined palate complaints, and Reese’s unpredictable quips infuse a dose of humor that softens the lack of a deep plot. The game relies on these snapshots of personality to create an undercurrent of charm.

Though you won’t uncover hidden motivations or branching narrative paths, the simplicity of the storyline works in its favor. It never slows to deliver long cutscenes or dialogue dumps. Instead, the context is clear: stomp the alien invaders, punch the robotic hordes, and face off against giant bosses to save humanity—or at least, rescue whatever’s left of it.

For players craving a narrative-driven adventure, the story may feel skeletal. However, if your priority is non-stop action punctuated by tongue-in-cheek dinosaur heroics, the minimal plot serves as an efficient framework that keeps you racing from one explosive encounter to the next.

Overall Experience

Tom Mason’s Dinosaurs for Hire is a pure arcade-style blast that prioritizes fast action, tight controls, and inventive level design over narrative depth. Its character variety and cooperative mode provide enough replay incentive to revisit the chaos with a friend or to master each dinosaur’s unique move set.

While the graphics and sound lean squarely into retro nostalgia, the game’s pacing and enemy variety feel fresh even today. Boss encounters remain a highlight, demanding pattern recognition and precise timing, while random environmental hazards keep every playthrough unpredictable. Casual and hardcore players alike will find moments of challenge and reward without steep difficulty spikes.

The lack of a fleshed-out story may disappoint narrative purists, but the minimal plot quickly gives way to relentless platform shooting fun. If you’re after a pick-up-and-play title with a playful premise—dinosaurs wielding firearms to rescue the planet—this game delivers exactly that, no frills attached.

Overall, Dinosaurs for Hire stands as a quirky tribute to ’90s arcade classics, offering hearty dose of dinosaur-powered action. Its straightforward design, cooperative thrills, and upbeat presentation make it a worthy addition for fans of retro run-and-gun platformers looking for a bite of prehistoric heroism.

Retro Replay Score

6.9/10