Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth++:  Adventure in Diversity

Welcome to the World of Average Gaia: Where Average is the New Extraordinary!

Note: this is not just a typical localization. Square Enix Of America is remaking a great deal of the game to reach a “greater audience.”

The Western gaming industry took the helm of the cherished JRPG franchise, Final Fantasy 7, and the result was nothing short of… well, ordinary. Welcome to “Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth: The Average Edition”, where every woman looks like she just rolled out of bed, every character is on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, and rainbows are the new world currency.

Square Enix Localization department leader Shasta Goldstien had this to say:

The moment we saw Tifa’s bozongas and Aerith’s beautiful face, we knew people would be upset. This keeps everyone happy. You can thank me later.

Average Jane and the Quest for Mediocrity

Our journey begins with Average Jane, formerly known as the lithe and otherworldly Aerith. Now she’s your girl-next-door with a passion for potted plants and sensible shoes. Tifa has traded her fighting gloves for a cozy cardigan and a nice cup of herbal tea. The graphics engine, renowned for its breathtaking realism, now ensures that every pore, wrinkle, and the occasional pimple are rendered in glorious 4K for that authentic ‘just like us’ feel.

All the Rainbows, All the Time

And where there were once brooding cityscapes and gritty slums, Midgar is now awash with rainbows. Rainbow crosswalks, rainbow potions, and even a rainbow Chocobo named “Glitterhoof.” The development team, determined to highlight inclusivity, has ensured that every character identifies somewhere within the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Cloud now sports a stylish rainbow-dyed hairdo, expressing his newfound identity with flair.

The Token Straight Villain

Amidst this vibrant celebration of diversity, one character stands against the tide of inclusivity: Sephiroth, the token straight, white, cisgender male villain. With his long, flowing locks now a sensible buzz cut and his iconic Masamune replaced with a briefcase, Sephiroth’s evil plan is to install a corporate regime and ban all forms of expression, starting with the banishment of all rainbows and the mandate of compulsory suits for all.

The Battle for Blandness

The game’s combat system has been revamped to confront this new threat. Players can now unleash devastatingly average attacks like the “Mundane Punch” or the “Cubicle Barrage.” Summons have been replaced with “Call Outs,” where players can summon an HR representative to mediate conflicts. The ultimate limit breaks now involve empowering speeches about diversity and acceptance, sending Sephiroth into a defeated retreat as he grapples with the power of inclusivity.

Critics Are Raving… Kind Of

Critics are torn on “Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth: The Average Edition.” Some praise its bold stance on representation and its commitment to challenging traditional beauty standards. Others feel that the game’s overt political correctness and the relentless onslaught of rainbows detract from the immersive escapism that the Final Fantasy series is known for.

Conclusion: A Humorous Twist on a Beloved Classic

In conclusion, “Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth: The Average Edition” stands as a monument in this universe, a humorous reminder that sometimes, in our eagerness to represent everyone, we risk creating a world devoid of the very diversity and nuance we sought to celebrate. And let’s face it, when the final showdown involves a rainbow beam of acceptance versus a briefcase of corporate doom, you know you’re in for a gaming experience that’s anything but ordinary.

The gameplay mechanics have undergone a complete overhaul to fit the theme of averageness and over-the-top inclusivity. Here are some of the delightful and tongue-in-cheek changes you’d encounter:

1. The Grind of Daily Life

Gone are the days of battling monsters for experience points. Now, characters grind through daily chores to level up. Completing tasks like filing taxes, attending parent-teacher conferences, and waiting in line at the post office build character stats. The grind has never been so relatable!

2. Social Dynamics System

Instead of a traditional magic system, players navigate social dynamics. Casting spells is replaced by initiating deep conversations about feelings and societal issues. The “Empathy” meter replaces MP and is consumed when using skills like “Active Listening” and “Affirmative Nod.”

3. Diversity Points (DP)

The currency is no longer gil but Diversity Points. Earn DP by engaging in inclusive actions and dialogue choices. Spend DP at inclusive shops where the inventory is a random assortment of items reflecting the diversity of the world’s citizens.

4. Limit Breaks to Break Stereotypes

Limit breaks are now “Stereotype Breaks,” where characters unleash powerful moves that challenge societal norms. For example, Barret may deliver an impassioned monologue on being a nurturing father, breaking down the stereotype of toxic masculinity.

5. Side Quests Galore

Side quests consist of helping NPCs with everyday problems. Assist a character in choosing a pet, support another in a career change, or join a community in organizing a neighborhood potluck.

6. The Overhaul of Materia

Materia is now “Communitaria,” orbs of community spirit that provide boosts such as “Inclusivity Aura” or “Nonjudgmental Shield.” Each Communitaria grows stronger with community service and acts of kindness.

7. Rethinking Transportation

Forget high-speed airships; players now navigate the world on bicycles and public transport to reduce the game’s carbon footprint. Occasionally, you might unlock a hybrid vehicle for those longer, more environmentally conscious road trips.

8. The Weapon System

Weapons are now entirely non-lethal, with characters wielding megaphones, protest signs, or books. Battles are less about inflicting damage and more about persuading opponents to join the cause through debate and dialogue.

9. Endgame Content

The ultimate challenge isn’t a dark, ominous boss but organizing a community festival that caters to everyone’s tastes and preferences. It’s a logistical puzzle that truly tests a player’s strategic and event-planning skills.

10. Mini-Games

Classic mini-games like chocobo racing are replaced with activities like “Recycle Rush” and “Compost Challenge.” These not only provide a break from the main storyline but also teach valuable life lessons about sustainability.

In this hilariously reimagined “Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth: The Average Edition,” every mechanic is designed to reflect the mundanity of everyday life while celebrating diversity, inclusivity, and the universal struggle against the stereotypical video game narrative. It’s a world where everyone fits in, and the greatest adventure is embracing the ordinary.

there are indeed unique consequences for not engaging in inclusive actions or dialogue choices. Here’s a humorous take on what that might look like:

The Inclusivity Gauge

Each character might have an “Inclusivity Gauge” that fills up as they engage in positive, inclusive actions. Failure to make inclusive choices could result in several in-game consequences:

1. Social Isolation: Characters who frequently choose non-inclusive actions might find themselves ignored by NPCs. Quest-givers might suddenly “forget” to provide important information or rewards, making game progression more challenging.
2. Diminished DP (Diversity Points): Ignoring inclusivity could lead to a loss of DP, making it harder to purchase items or access certain services within the game. Specialty shops could deny service, and certain Communitaria might lose their potency.
3. Character Morale: The party’s overall morale and effectiveness in “debates” (this world’s version of battles) could suffer if a character continuously makes non-inclusive choices, reflecting the game’s emphasis on the power of unity and understanding.
4. Narrative Shifts: The storyline may subtly shift to reflect the player’s choices, leading to alternate cutscenes where the importance of inclusivity is highlighted. The game could introduce story arcs that gently nudge the player back towards the path of inclusivity.
5. In-Game Protests: Characters who veer too far from inclusivity might find themselves the subject of in-game protests from NPCs advocating for a more inclusive Gaia. These could take the form of peaceful sit-ins or marches that block access to certain areas until the player makes amends.
6. Empathy Meter Limitations: Non-inclusive actions could lead to a lower Empathy Meter cap, limiting the player’s ability to use powerful social dynamics skills until they demonstrate a change of heart through inclusive actions.
7. Fashion Faux Pas: Characters might find their clothing options becoming more drab and less fabulous as a consequence of their non-inclusive behavior, as the latest fashion trends in Gaia are driven by the principles of diversity and acceptance.
8. Altered Endgame: Persistently non-inclusive players might find the endgame community festival becomes a more subdued affair, with fewer attendees and a lackluster atmosphere, ultimately affecting the satisfaction of the game’s resolution.
9. Easter Eggs: As a fun nod to the theme, there might be humorous Easter eggs throughout the game that playfully satirize the player’s non-inclusive choices, like an NPC that follows the player around, offering unsolicited advice on how to be more inclusive.

Below is a copypasta of their Press release:

🌟 Square Enix of America Presents: Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth: The Average Edition 🌟

Press Release: April 13, 2024

Square Enix of America is thrilled to announce a groundbreaking new addition to the Final Fantasy 7 universe: “Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth: The Average Edition.” This special version of the game reimagines the epic tale of Cloud and his companions in a world where average is awesome, and inclusivity is the ultimate quest.

What Can Players Expect?

• Unique Gameplay: Engage in daily chores to level up, use the new Empathy Meter to navigate social dynamics, and rally the people of Gaia with Stereotype Breaks!
• Revolutionary Graphics: Enjoy the most average-looking characters ever rendered, with 4K resolution bringing to life every ordinary detail.
• Diverse Currency: Collect and spend Diversity Points (DP) to support the thriving economy of Average Gaia.
• Custom Transport: Travel the world on environmentally-friendly bicycles and public transit, embracing the slow lane to adventure.

Release Date: When Can You Join the Celebration of Average?

“Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth: The Average Edition” will be coming to a console near you on April 13, 2024. This date has been carefully chosen to reflect the unique spirit of the game – it’s as extraordinary as the world of Average Gaia itself!

Pre-Order Bonuses:

• Early Bird Gardening Kit: Pre-order to help Average Jane with her potted plant collection from day one.
• Rainbow Chocobo DLC: Get your own “Glitterhoof” companion to brighten your day and your in-game travels.
• Inclusivity Pack: Exclusive in-game attire to promote diversity and harmony among your party members.

Stay tuned for more updates, and prepare to embrace your inner average in the most inclusive adventure yet!

This is obviously satire, do not send death threats.